almost 30 syndrome

I have really bad news for people turning 26 next year.

You’re actually going to be 30.

There are no fun times between the ages of 26 and 30. It’s not like after your 21st birthday where it’s all parties and drinking and pretending to be an adult when you actually still have no responsibilities. From 22 to 25 you can still stretch out that last semester or two of college without people wondering what’s wrong with you. You can plan a career that’s going to take 3-5 years of experience and not feel like you’re wasting your life while you schlep to work and do the same thing every day.

After 25, you have no grace period before turning 30. The numbers just get scarier and scarier because no matter how well or terrible you’re doing in life, the next year is going to come up and make you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything. It all happens so quickly, and you end up doing things you never even thought about.

You make more money, but still pretty much live on the same amount because of expenses people still don’t tell you about like health insurance, monthly metro cards, and $50 Uber rides for when the MTA kicks everyone off the train.

You get fatter after being skinny all your life because they bought a cake for Jen from sales and even though you only spoke to her once by accident when you dialed the wrong extension, it’s still cake and it’s going to go to waste if no one eats the rest. Then you have some more cake two days later for Tim whose last day is tomorrow. Then more treats again because they had a bake sale for charity and you’d look like a douche if you didn’t donate.

Because you’ve never been fat before and it’s happened so quickly, your knees and ankles hurt more. Because your ankles hurt more, you need to go to the doctor, but there’s a lapse between your last health insurance and your company’s new insurance and you have to pay for the visit. The doctor tells you to wear better shoes which is what you googled at home, but you wanted to be sure there isn’t a tumor in your leg because when you were having cake for Jen from sales, she told you about her aunt who has a tumor in her brain and thought it was just a headache from always wearing headphones. You just paid $130 to hear someone tell you something you read on Mayoclinic.

You spend 3 hours online the next night looking up comfortable shoes but then decide you have to try them on to see if they’re actually comfortable. Or should you just buy in-soles? You’re now wondering if you have high arches. You’re now googling how to tell if you have flat feet or high arches.

You go to sleep late because you spent all night reading about foot problems. Then you lay in bed worried about how if you died in your sleep, the last thing you googled was 50 tabs about foot arches and comfortable shoes.

After clearing your browser history in the morning, you rush to get the train that you spent $130 on a metro card for just to see it’s delayed. Then you spend another $50 on an Uber to get to work for a phone call meeting that you don’t even have anything to say in and try to keep yourself awake while everyone else discusses things you have no clue about.

After a day of Googling work problems and submitting reports that you hope no one questions, you head home to your apartment where you pay way too much rent, and order food that’s unhealthy but cheap, yet somehow still cost you almost $30 because the minimum for free delivery on DoorDash is $15 and you need to tip the driver because it’s raining and their salary is probably based on tips anyway. You then have to spend the rest of the week eating struggle meals because the fear of not having rent for next month sets in after you spent half of your weekly food budget in one day.

You have two choices during the weekend: enjoy it or don’t. Either way the whole two days will fly by. You can’t really sleep in; one reason is because there’s so much shit you have to do that you can’t waste any time and another reason is because if you sleep past 8am you’re going to get a headache that could be a tumor like Jen from sales’ aunt had. After running errands and cleaning, you’re either too tired to go out, or don’t have enough time to get ready and decide to cancel (which isn’t so bad anyway). You spend the night googling diet and exercise plans that you’ll never stick to.

There is a period of time when you’re about to turn 28 where you get a boost of motivation. It’s a special time where you debate taking things slow in life to enjoy the little things or trying to get as much done as possible. For a little while you accept getting older and decide to seriously cut off anyone or anything that doesn’t give you what you want, help you progress in life, or make you happy.

I’m not too sure how long this period of time lasts because it’s what I’m stuck in right now. The older I get, the more I see how necessary change is, and the less scarier it is.

Also, I’ve got pretty perky boobs still, so I still have that to keep me feeling young.


mid year resolutions

The beginning of a new year always feels bittersweet. A new calendar year opens up so many opportunities, but the cold weather, snow piled up in an already overcrowded NYC, and the sun setting at just after 4pm always kills my motivation no matter what goals I plan out for a New Year’s Resolution.

To me, a new year should technically start whenever we celebrate a birthday. It’s how people brag about their accomplishments anyway; “bought my own brand new car at 21”, “I’m Director of Finance at the age of 25”, etc. On my birthday this year, I felt the same refreshing feeling (after all the drinking and dehydration) that I normally feel on New Year’s Day. Instead of being depressed about getting old like I thought I would be, I decided to plan things out for the next year of my life. To not wait until the new calendar year starts to begin setting new goals or improving old ones I didn’t get to yet.

I mainly decided to just stop waiting for everything. Stop waiting for the weekend to go out and do something fun. Stop waiting until next week to start a new diet. Stop waiting a year to look for my next job or career step. Part of all this comes with the whole idea of “I’m so old I don’t have much time left” (which I’m sure I’ll look back and laugh at when I’m like, 50). But mainly, I feel like I’ve wasted enough time waiting for something to happen instead of just making it happen.

Sometimes resolutions are easier to keep in the summer time anyway.

dealing with the flaky friend

I am a homebody.

My boyfriend may disagree and my Instagram may fool a few people, but I truly do love being home. After I’m home for a couple days, I do get serious FOMO. But for the most part, I would rather stay in than go to certain events or deal with a lot of people. There are just too many factors that play into why I don’t want to leave the house, even if you’re literally picking me up like a queen and paying for everything.

Which is one reason why I’ve been a flaky friend to people. I’ve canceled, made excuses, lied, and been relieved when people had to reschedule. I’ve missed appointments and had friends plain out tell me I’m unreliable (even though there was nothing to rely on me for in the first place) just for telling them I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to leave the house at the last minute. I even canceled on my first date with my current boyfriend when we first started talking, although it might have been a good thing because it made him want me more.

For the most part, it didn’t mean I wanted to end our friendship. It rarely meant that I didn’t like hanging out with them. I just preferred being alone. It was nicer to text someone rather than meet up. And when I was younger, it was easier to cancel on people than have to explain to my parents every little detail of where I was going, with whom, for how long, and what we were going to be doing. Each time I canceled on a friend, I felt bad. I worried about whether or not they’d start to talk shit about me, if they thought I didn’t like them, or if they’d even bother inviting me out anymore. When I’d think about asking them to hang out another time, I thought they’d say no simply because I canceled on them before. I always had to prepare myself for the shit they’d give me when I finally did see them.

Eventually, I learned to avoid making plans with certain people at certain times. If I knew I had work, I’d turn down an offer to hang out even if it was on a Saturday night because I knew I didn’t want to be tired all day on Sunday. Some of the people that were trying to make plans were just terrible at hanging out. It’s hard to be bad at just hanging out with people, but some of my friends know how to turn a 3-hour event into a 9-hour one, and not in a good way. Sometimes I just didn’t want to spend money or have someone cover me. Sometimes I didn’t want to go out because it was raining, or cold, or because I had to take the train, so I made excuses or lied about working to make plans. “I’ll let you know” was my favorite saying. It’s growth though, right?

My closest friend stopped inviting me places because she knew I wouldn’t want to go for a couple reasons which I told her about bluntly. But there are other ways to deal with a flaky friend beside cutting them off entirely and shunning them from your group.

Asking them straight out what the problem is can be risky, but if you’re close and can share things with each other, then they might openly tell you that they hate when you bring your boyfriend along or that your Uncle Tom that lives with you always tries to peek up their skirt when you’re walking up the stairs. If not, you could start a fight by trying to pry into their lives and assume that they don’t want to hang out when they plain out don’t have the time or just fucking hate you.

Determine what kind of friendship you have with them. It’s 2018 and majority of people have at least one friend that they met online or through some social media. Sometimes these friendships only last because you share memes on Twitter. Hanging out might create awkwardness for them and you can’t see it. I’m definitely someone who prefers texting for hours over meeting up and partying. We create bonds with people at school mainly because we see them every other day. Our coworkers are only friends at work. If you find yourself having night long conversations with someone but they always turn you down when you want to meet up for drinks, it’s probably better to keep them at that distance and only invite them out for major occasions.

Stop treating them like your conjoined twin. Ever notice that your one friend will talk nonstop when it’s just the two of you, but doesn’t make a peep when you invite your other 9 friends that they barely know? They might be an introvert or just hate your friends (or both). If I’m with two of my close cousins, I can laugh and talk and fool you into thinking I’m the most outgoing and sociable person in the world. But once my cousin starts inviting her 40 friends to dinner, I’m ready to throw myself off the roof just so I have a legit excuse to not come. Not all your friends will get along with your other friends. The only occasions where you should be mixing your different groups together are birthdays, your wedding, and your funeral. You don’t need to drag your one friend along with you to every outing and event, even if they’re your closest pal.

Cater to their needs once in a while. Your friend might not share the obsession with sushi that you have, but you always choose a Japanese restaurant to have lunch at. They might live behind God’s back but you always choose a movie theater that’s five minutes away from your house. They might be that one friend that doesn’t have enough money, doesn’t live nearby, and doesn’t have the same schedule as your entire group of friends and you don’t even notice because you’re oblivious to peoples’ needs. Creating a balanced schedule where you find a pizza place, take the train out to see them, and offer to pay for a lunch once in a while can salvage whatever you guys have left

It’s not that hard to figure out if someone is being flaky because they actually don’t like you or because that’s just how they are. If there’s a specific reason why they don’t want to hang out, then it can strengthen your friendship if you figure it out. I would have loved if I had the chance to tell certain friends that I didn’t like seeing them 9 times a week or going to the club every time we hung out. But I also knew that some of my friends wouldn’t understand if I didn’t need to see them to maintain a friendship.

Being a flaky friend sometimes means you’re still learning to say “no” to people without letting them make you feel bad. In a perfect world, you’d be able to tell people you just don’t feel like seeing them without them thinking you hate their guts. In reality, people have trust issues. Friendships are tricky. They’re not as perfect as some television shows make them out to be where a girl can forgive her bestie for sleeping with her boyfriend.

I usually hate articles that give advice on basic shit that people already know but have to experience themselves to really benefit from, but this is something I think a lot of people don’t understand and are quick to jump to conclusions about. It’s not easy being on the shunned end of a friendship. I learned over time that many people don’t value friendships as much as they claim to because they have too many expectations for them. The truth is that everyone makes mistakes and unless their intentions are harmful, you should be treating a friendship the same way you treat any other relationship- by communicating, growing, and understanding.

If you can work things out with a boyfriend/girlfriend and give them several chances to be with you, then you can do the same with your friends.


I have this obsession with a happy life. A life where I have everything and I am doing “what I’m supposed to be doing”. Where I’m working and making money, finishing school, working out, having and spending time with my friends and boyfriend, doing things I like- like writing, reading, blogging, going out, trying new things- the list goes on. I’m so obsessed and caught up with this woman I’m supposed to be. That girl on Instagram who is beautiful in the face, mind, and body. Who has such nice clothes, hair, and material things, but is also funny, laid back, and relatable. That girl who has everything going for her and is followed and liked (in real life and on social media) by everyone. The girl who has all the energy in the world to be up at 6am to work out, put on a full face of makeup, eat breakfast, pack lunch, and still be on time for work where she is wide awake and ready to get to work- and loves doing what she does. This girl has such a great group of friends and a boyfriend who is her mirrored half. She parties and dances but also stays home a lot and reads. She seems to have a day made up of 48 hours instead of the 24 that everyone else has.

Who is this girl- does she really exist? Or is she someone I made up and see in every other girl except me?

I’m in denial about how lowly I think of myself.


There are a lot of things I write privately that I would like to share publicly. I will try to italicize or set apart writing from the past because not everything I wrote was dated. I may also expand on some past thoughts, and that too will be distinguishable from current work.

These are things that reveal some of my faults, insecurities, and past feelings for people who are long gone. Looking back at old journals and reading about how I felt allows me to see my old self from the outside. I might have been ashamed to share things before, in fear of the wrong or right people seeing it and confronting me about it. But sometimes I was so deep in the moment of writing that I didn’t realize how strong of a piece it was.

Powerful writing often comes when we have no intention of sharing it with the world, which is why it takes time for it to surface.

a Barbie girl in a hateful world

I am a Barbie girl, who has indeed lived in a Barbie world for a good portion of my life. Let me tell you about my experiences in this plastic (and sometimes battery powered) world.

Barbie was never just a slim body and pretty face to me. Sure, I wanted her to look cute in her mini-dresses and grab all the boys’ attention. But that wasn’t all I wanted for her. I wanted her to have a lot of money. I wanted her to work in an office building, drive a nice convertible, and have tons of parties that she didn’t have to clean up after. I wanted her to have good relationship with her mother without having to visit her more than once a week. When I got a little older, I even wanted her to have an “experimental night” with my Britney Spears doll who I pretended was just another ordinary gal because my mom could only afford to buy me a limited amount of dolls, so of course I had to get the limited edition Baby One More Time doll. I wanted Barbie to do it all and look good doing it (no pun intended).

Barbie had so many jobs. She was an astronaut, a doctor, a veterinarian, a chef, a teacher, a rock star, a gymnast, a mother, a princess, and so much more. I mean, she may have been all these things because of her white privilege, but still. We had to start somewhere, and I’m also not educated enough to talk about the lack of diversity with dolls and action figures in the 90s-00s. A lot of things were lacking diversity back then so let’s not narrow it down to Barbie dolls at this time.

I never stared at my Barbie doll and wished I was tall, skinny, and blonde. It might have been because for most of my life I was tall and skinny (but not blonde, until recently), but it was mainly because I just didn’t look at her that way. I saw her for her goals, achievements, and independence. Which is why whenever people talk about how Barbie isn’t a good toy for little girls, I get angry.

The girl did it all and had it all- which is what I really wanted. I wanted to have a job, a car, and a big house. I wanted the Ken in my life to be in the background of my life, not the breadwinner I had to get money from so I could go shopping. I wanted to be talented, educated, and rich like Barbie. Why didn’t people focus on that? I’ve come across so many articles and videos where people completely bash Barbie dolls, focusing on of her weight, figure, and skin tone… and all of it was completely understandable. I’m not taking Barbie’s side when it comes to body representation. But in a time where the media seems to only focus on a woman’s body, aren’t we all offenders if we’re ignoring what Barbie’s done for the world and paying more attention to her unrealistic measurements?

Look, I understand I have an unpopular opinion on this. I know there are studies that show Barbie’s body affects how little girls grow up with body image issues and all that. It’s not incorrect and I’m not saying it never happened. Maybe I’m one of a million girls who didn’t cry themselves to sleep because they didn’t have a flat stomach or almost D-cup sized boobs like Barbie, but I know that doesn’t change the fact that other young girls did.

All I’m saying is that Barbie has made mistakes in her life, dating Blaine being in the top five. But maybe she herself had succumbed to the pressure of the media wanting her to have a “perfect” appearance. Maybe she’s struggling with body issues and hasn’t been able to get the right help because every Barbie therapist in town is also skinny and tall. Maybe she’s just going through her own shit and needs help from her friends (us) right now, but all we’re doing is shaming her.

In times like this, we need to be there for her. We look like total hypocrites if we shame her on her body when she landed on the moon before Neil Armstrong did. We need to let her know her bust size doesn’t matter more than her medical career. We need to tell her that it’s okay if she’s short. If she has dark skin. If her waist isn’t small and her thighs touch and chafe a little. She needs to know she’s allowed to have flaws, because she’s only human!



There are many times when I look back on the past few years and feel like I’ve made no progress in certain areas. It’s discouraging to work so hard for so long, fighting through tears and doubts, just to come back to the same point again. But the one thing I have to remind myself of is how much the little wins can add up to. Tiny accomplishments- doing laundry regularly, spending 5 hours watching Netflix instead of 10, reading for just 20 minutes after not picking up a book in months- can sometimes lead to lifestyle changes without me even realizing it. Then there are the wins that aren’t seen unless you look closely at yourself and compare who you were to who you are now.

I look back on the experiences I had whether they’re with work, people, or just myself and see so much growth in the way I felt back then compared to now. The last book I read (entirely), The Problem with Forever by Jennifer Armentrout, brought back so many memories of my anxiety, self consciousness, and fear. Although the main character suffers from all of these because of totally different reasons, it was comforting to know that I wasn’t overreacting in the past and sometimes today.

Finishing my degree and choosing a career is one of the hardest journeys I’m on… but that is just one part of the bigger and tougher journey of discovering and growing into the woman I am today. One reminiscence that occurs whenever I think about my age and where I am in life is about just that- where I thought I’d be in life by the time I was in my twenties. When I was younger, I used dream about the things I’d have and where I’d be working. It changed in specificity, but the outline was always the same: I’d have a car, a job doing something “business-y”, and I’d be on my way to moving into my own apartment (notice how no relationships are involved in that plan… funny now that I think about it). I always was concerned about what I’d have and where I’d be, but never worried about how I’d feel and what I’d like. I guess that’s something a lot of kids go through because we’re told that we have to be successful and success is mainly based on our education, jobs, etc…. but that’s not the point of this post.

I never really had traditional hobbies. Aside from my barbie dolls and Britney Spears CDs, I wasn’t really interested in anything besides computers- growing up in the 90s/00s was the beginning of a new technological era, and I abused the shit out of it. I spent a lot of time on fanfiction websites, playing RPG games, and talking to cousins and strangers in chatrooms (the first set of friends I made and lost where in an AOL chatroom of people I followed on Xanga). While most preteens were watching TV and hanging out with friends from school, I was running home to jump on our shared computer to mine adamantite ore on RuneScape and talk to my cousins on AIM.

A big regret I have is not taking a serious interest in some of the things I liked, even if they sounded lame and boring. Hobbies are something that helped shape me into who I am today. Writing was always something I enjoyed, but only until my late teens/early twenties did I consider it something serious. Even then I found myself debating on whether or not it counted as a hobby because I wasn’t as dedicated to it. I recently realized how much writing has helped me when it comes to stress and making decisions. Writing as much as a paragraph or an idea has calmed my nerves or brought things into perspective for me about so many things.

Reading and writing opened so many doors to other interests; art, makeup, the love of NYC. But my curiosity about all these things would have never grown if I didn’t leave my house and experience the things I thought I wanted. The heartbreaks (from lovers and family) and the disappointment (from people and life itself) taught me so many lessons about life and myself that no one could have taught me about.

Living life the way I saw everyone else around me living it was an eye opener to my actual desires. Being controlled by a man because I was blinded by my need for love and attention was what set it all in motion. It took a long 4 years for me to break free, and when I did it was like the biggest weight was lifted off from me. I felt so free like a bird that I got two of them tattooed- which is a reason I never admitted to until now.

I was verbally abused next- but this is something I am thankful for. Being disrespected, manipulated, and insulted never made me feel more confident. I walked away from that relationship bruised, but those bruises healed and then glowed. I had never felt more alive and confident in my skin before.

There was disappointment, too. The heartbreak that people hardly ever talk about, because they only believe a lover can do such a thing. They also never warn you that this heartbreak is forever and constant- maybe until the day the heartbreaker dies. But that’s also not the point of this post. Being disappointed over and over again by someone so close to me has only strengthened my independence and lowered my need to depend on someone.

Someone told me recently that I pay attention a lot, which is a nice confirmation of something I always knew about myself. I’ve always looked closely at everything; the way someone looks, the way they say things, or the way they act in different situations. I pay attention to some details that others usually overlook. As much as I pay attention to other people, I pay attention to myself as well. I constantly try to analyze why I do the things I do, why I get nervous in situations, or why I get emotional over things that aren’t that serious. A lot of times I regret not being this meticulous about myself earlier on in life because I could have avoided so many failures and fall outs.

Nonetheless, I’m content with who I am and the path I’m on mentally. I’m happy that I’m confident, even if I still get nervous once in a while. I’m happy that I know what I want, even if I’m nowhere near getting it. I’m happy that I can change whatever I’m not happy about, even if I have to figure out if its part of who I am naturally or a bad habit.

I’ve never written a post like this before but I think that shows how hidden this growth is. I tend to let all my sadness out in writing. Whenever I feel like beating myself up, I do so by writing about it. But all the sadness and moping around leads to more growth, more discovery about myself… and obviously more variety in my writing.