the perfect candidate

I always found it funny how a lot of people have a list of requirements for what they seek in a significant other. Some people have it all figured out and swear that whoever they date or marry has to have these qualities or they’d never be with them. They say the person must be loyal, funny, love animals; some even get as picky and specific as wanting -more like needing– someone who is six feet tall or has a big butt, someone who has a beard or someone who is shorter than them by a foot. Those who stick to this list and allow no exceptions are hardly seen as picky, or if they are, it’s not a bad thing. They’re “saving themselves” or seen as knowing their worth. They don’t settle until they find who they want – the perfect candidate.

The reason I find this funny is because that “perfect” candidate hardly ever exists. So many people have this strict criteria for a significant other that they pass by people that could be a great match for them. The truth is that you do have to settle at some point. You learn to compromise and prioritize. It’s just a matter of learning what you can deal with and what you put first. We compromise in relationships with arguments or disagreements but we also have to compromise with who the person is, knowing that we aren’t perfect either. It’s a shame when you find someone who can be your perfect soulmate but they lie, cheat, or mess with your head. It’s why so many of us get made fun of or taken advantage of: we are willing to deal with those things because we know there will be no one who compares to or surpasses the qualities of that person. And for those who don’t deal with it, who can’t handle the heartbreak, pressure, and doubt, they still settle. For someone who might not be as funny, or tall, or cute but won’t break their hearts as much as the last one. We choose who we want to deal with, who we want to break out hearts, because over time we know we have to either settle in some way or spend the rest of our lives searching for that perfect candidate.

-12/20/2016

 

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renewing

What a lovely coincidence that I decided to publish this old piece on my four-year anniversary with WordPress.com. I originally had planned to publish it instead of my last post, but I didn’t finish and wasn’t too sure where I was heading with it. Luckily you can write things for the simple reason of “just because.”


As I sit here staring at this page, I reflect back on the things I have written over the course of my life. I look back on when I first began writing; who inspired me, what I used to write, and how I felt about writing, both in the moment and as a whole. I think about how I confident I was about my own writing- ashamed to share my work with people I actually knew and saw on a daily or weekly basis but proud to publicly post stories on websites for thousands of strangers to view. I have come to accept that I started writing with the enthusiasm and interest of a child. It wasn’t something that I picked up on my own that grew into a great hobby. I was looking for the approval of someone I then saw as a role model and only wrote with the intent of creating something better than anything anyone else had ever written. I guess that’s how most writer’s feel to some extent. Who doesn’t want to write something that reaches out to thousands or millions of people? I will probably always have at least a little bit of that feeling behind everything I write. But even though the idea of writing was only sparked after I tried to keep up with someone who I admired, it did grow into something I now have a great interest for. I had my moments where I wouldn’t write anything for weeks or months at a time because I was distracted by other things or just simply wasn’t in the mood for it. But over time writing and reading have made their way back into my life and the desire to read everything that catches my eye or write about anything that comes to mind takes over a good portion of my life.

I’ve written tons of blogs about how much nostalgia I feel when I look back at the things I wrote in high school or early college, but they were just that- nostalgic posts where I longed to have the wit and cleverness that I had back in the day. I never truly looked back on how my writing improved and later began to transform into a different style that I wasn’t ready to accept. As many things begin to change, I am opening up to the idea of letting writing take over more of my life than it has ever before. I want to devote more time and energy into writing in order to advance how I write and see where it can take me.

Anyone will tell you that writing is not an easy path to go down. For me I feel like it’s especially hard when I tend to second guess everything and it feels like I’m shut down for having high hopes and dreams. I grew up in a home where no one was encouraged to reach for the stars. My shyness and introversion was taken advantage of when I was younger and as time goes by I look back at how much my view of a successful life was shaped by my mother and other people around me. It makes you really wonder how we’re supposed to pick a path for college when we’re so young and have no idea what’s really out there besides what our parents and people at home tell us. Only after experiencing some of the things I thought I wanted in life did I really see that I didn’t actually want those things. Certain experiences have caused me turn back to the things I always liked and never really gave enough attention to, like writing and reading.

I noticed that I have a negative view of other people who seem to be exploring writing themselves. I especially looked down on those in of the same culture and background who started to share their writing with people they know. I thought, “well that sucked,” “they need to write more,” or “this was stupid” after reading something that wasn’t up to the standards of published authors. I judged the way they wrote and the topics they wrote about without thinking of my own writing. It never occurred to me that they might have been starting out like I was, or were only exploring hobbies and different ways to express themselves.

Although I have started to accept that not everyone’s writing is the same and tried to shut down some negative thoughts about people who have begun to express themselves through words, it still doesn’t mean I agree or like what they write. Finding my own style doesn’t mean I should love what other people write, just like it doesn’t mean I should hate what they write.

The journey of writing will always reflect my life. Any writer will tell you that heartbreak and tragedy will bring out your best work. But the more I experience things for myself, the more I see that writing is contingent with our emotions, and some of us are good at being sad while others are better at being happy.

a break for transformation.

I can feel a lot of changes happening. Some that were planned and some that I have no choice but to welcome and embrace. The outcome, nonetheless, will be a positive one.

It’s time for me to change what I give my attention to, and even though it’ll seem like I’m giving up writing or reading, I’m actually spending more time and focusing on both. I just need to prepare myself and learn a lot more before I’m ready to take a step forward. I need to take a moment to find my style of writing and work on it, instead of sporadically typing up anything I’m feeling in the moment and sharing it on platforms where it can be misconstrued as something else. I want my true self to be shown in my writing, for it’s my only outlet where I can comfortably express myself.

I hope that anyone that stops by my page sees the effort I put into my writing and leaves their thoughts because even when I do resume writing, I’ll still be learning. Whether it’s about the topic I expand on or about my writing style in general, comments are welcomed because your opinion does matter to me. Don’t ever think you’re wasting your time by discussing something because there’s a chance that someone is too afraid to say the same thing you’re thinking.

As I work on writing pieces on various topics, I’ll be sharing some blogs that I’ve found along the way. I have already come across a few new bloggers and websites that I find entertaining and inspiring. Some writers whose blogs I’ve read a long time ago have drastically improved their work and have been contributing to many websites, and seeing their progress motivates me.

To have their passion and determination would be a success itself.

 

Fuck “Sexy”

This, this, and um… oh yeah, THIS.

The Belle Jar

Sometimes I feel like I want to ban the word sexy. Like, take that shit out of the dictionary and impose a fine whenever someone uses it.

Which is pretty funny because I’m super sex-positive and I definitely want people to feel good about their bodies and secure in their sexuality, however it manifests itself.

But man am I ever fucking tired of how we use that word to shame girls and sell them on a bunch of gross patriarchal ideas about how they should be.

Take this picture, which was tweeted/posted by Floyd Mayweather and has been making the rounds over the past few days:

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Like, first of all, this is a dude who has been charged with two counts of domestic violence. Why would anybody think that what he has to say about women is even a little bit valid? I am not really down with anyone…

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to whom it may concern

I am not passionate about anything in my life more than I am passionate about you. I cannot ever be fully distracted by anything more than I am distracted by the thought of you. You are my goal, no matter how much I have accomplished for you, no matter how much of you I have won over, I will always be striving for more. All everyone wants in life is happiness, and you are the definition of it.

You are a king, but I won’t be your queen. I will be your servant, bringing you all things to keep you content. I will be your army, fighting your battles and protecting you. I will be your maid, cleaning up after all your messes in life and making sure everything is in order. I will bow down and respect you.

Give me all your sorrows. Give me all your fears. Pack all your negativity into me and I will take it away. I will travel across the world to take it all away from you if it means your mind will be at ease. Do not worry about my happiness. Do not worry if you see me cry. Do not worry about me at all. If to make you happy means I have to destroy myself, then I will endure all the pain that anyone has ever suffered.

When I say I cannot be selfless, I am lying. When you see me taking care of myself, putting myself before others, or only worried about me, it is all a facade. When I cut off all communication with you, when I walk away from our situation, when I say “I deserve better”, just know it is truly killing me inside.

To you this is a love letter, to me it is a confession of my biggest flaw.