dealing with the flaky friend

I am a homebody.

My boyfriend may disagree and my Instagram may fool a few people, but I truly do love being home. After I’m home for a couple days, I do get serious FOMO. But for the most part, I would rather stay in than go to certain events or deal with a lot of people. There are just too many factors that play into why I don’t want to leave the house, even if you’re literally picking me up like a queen and paying for everything.

Which is one reason why I’ve been a flaky friend to people. I’ve canceled, made excuses, lied, and been relieved when people had to reschedule. I’ve missed appointments and had friends plain out tell me I’m unreliable (even though there was nothing to rely on me for in the first place) just for telling them I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to leave the house at the last minute. I even canceled on my first date with my current boyfriend when we first started talking, although it might have been a good thing because it made him want me more.

For the most part, it didn’t mean I wanted to end our friendship. It rarely meant that I didn’t like hanging out with them. I just preferred being alone. It was nicer to text someone rather than meet up. And when I was younger, it was easier to cancel on people than have to explain to my parents every little detail of where I was going, with whom, for how long, and what we were going to be doing. Each time I canceled on a friend, I felt bad. I worried about whether or not they’d start to talk shit about me, if they thought I didn’t like them, or if they’d even bother inviting me out anymore. When I’d think about asking them to hang out another time, I thought they’d say no simply because I canceled on them before. I always had to prepare myself for the shit they’d give me when I finally did see them.

Eventually, I learned to avoid making plans with certain people at certain times. If I knew I had work, I’d turn down an offer to hang out even if it was on a Saturday night because I knew I didn’t want to be tired all day on Sunday. Some of the people that were trying to make plans were just terrible at hanging out. It’s hard to be bad at just hanging out with people, but some of my friends know how to turn a 3-hour event into a 9-hour one, and not in a good way. Sometimes I just didn’t want to spend money or have someone cover me. Sometimes I didn’t want to go out because it was raining, or cold, or because I had to take the train, so I made excuses or lied about working to make plans. “I’ll let you know” was my favorite saying. It’s growth though, right?

My closest friend stopped inviting me places because she knew I wouldn’t want to go for a couple reasons which I told her about bluntly. But there are other ways to deal with a flaky friend beside cutting them off entirely and shunning them from your group.

Asking them straight out what the problem is can be risky, but if you’re close and can share things with each other, then they might openly tell you that they hate when you bring your boyfriend along or that your Uncle Tom that lives with you always tries to peek up their skirt when you’re walking up the stairs. If not, you could start a fight by trying to pry into their lives and assume that they don’t want to hang out when they plain out don’t have the time or just fucking hate you.

Determine what kind of friendship you have with them. It’s 2018 and majority of people have at least one friend that they met online or through some social media. Sometimes these friendships only last because you share memes on Twitter. Hanging out might create awkwardness for them and you can’t see it. I’m definitely someone who prefers texting for hours over meeting up and partying. We create bonds with people at school mainly because we see them every other day. Our coworkers are only friends at work. If you find yourself having night long conversations with someone but they always turn you down when you want to meet up for drinks, it’s probably better to keep them at that distance and only invite them out for major occasions.

Stop treating them like your conjoined twin. Ever notice that your one friend will talk nonstop when it’s just the two of you, but doesn’t make a peep when you invite your other 9 friends that they barely know? They might be an introvert or just hate your friends (or both). If I’m with two of my close cousins, I can laugh and talk and fool you into thinking I’m the most outgoing and sociable person in the world. But once my cousin starts inviting her 40 friends to dinner, I’m ready to throw myself off the roof just so I have a legit excuse to not come. Not all your friends will get along with your other friends. The only occasions where you should be mixing your different groups together are birthdays, your wedding, and your funeral. You don’t need to drag your one friend along with you to every outing and event, even if they’re your closest pal.

Cater to their needs once in a while. Your friend might not share the obsession with sushi that you have, but you always choose a Japanese restaurant to have lunch at. They might live behind God’s back but you always choose a movie theater that’s five minutes away from your house. They might be that one friend that doesn’t have enough money, doesn’t live nearby, and doesn’t have the same schedule as your entire group of friends and you don’t even notice because you’re oblivious to peoples’ needs. Creating a balanced schedule where you find a pizza place, take the train out to see them, and offer to pay for a lunch once in a while can salvage whatever you guys have left

It’s not that hard to figure out if someone is being flaky because they actually don’t like you or because that’s just how they are. If there’s a specific reason why they don’t want to hang out, then it can strengthen your friendship if you figure it out. I would have loved if I had the chance to tell certain friends that I didn’t like seeing them 9 times a week or going to the club every time we hung out. But I also knew that some of my friends wouldn’t understand if I didn’t need to see them to maintain a friendship.

Being a flaky friend sometimes means you’re still learning to say “no” to people without letting them make you feel bad. In a perfect world, you’d be able to tell people you just don’t feel like seeing them without them thinking you hate their guts. In reality, people have trust issues. Friendships are tricky. They’re not as perfect as some television shows make them out to be where a girl can forgive her bestie for sleeping with her boyfriend.

I usually hate articles that give advice on basic shit that people already know but have to experience themselves to really benefit from, but this is something I think a lot of people don’t understand and are quick to jump to conclusions about. It’s not easy being on the shunned end of a friendship. I learned over time that many people don’t value friendships as much as they claim to because they have too many expectations for them. The truth is that everyone makes mistakes and unless their intentions are harmful, you should be treating a friendship the same way you treat any other relationship- by communicating, growing, and understanding.

If you can work things out with a boyfriend/girlfriend and give them several chances to be with you, then you can do the same with your friends.

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imperfectionist

I have this obsession with a happy life. A life where I have everything and I am doing “what I’m supposed to be doing”. Where I’m working and making money, finishing school, working out, having and spending time with my friends and boyfriend, doing things I like- like writing, reading, blogging, going out, trying new things- the list goes on. I’m so obsessed and caught up with this woman I’m supposed to be. That girl on Instagram who is beautiful in the face, mind, and body. Who has such nice clothes, hair, and material things, but is also funny, laid back, and relatable. That girl who has everything going for her and is followed and liked (in real life and on social media) by everyone. The girl who has all the energy in the world to be up at 6am to work out, put on a full face of makeup, eat breakfast, pack lunch, and still be on time for work where she is wide awake and ready to get to work- and loves doing what she does. This girl has such a great group of friends and a boyfriend who is her mirrored half. She parties and dances but also stays home a lot and reads. She seems to have a day made up of 48 hours instead of the 24 that everyone else has.

Who is this girl- does she really exist? Or is she someone I made up and see in every other girl except me?

I’m in denial about how lowly I think of myself.

10.2016

There are a lot of things I write privately that I would like to share publicly. I will try to italicize or set apart writing from the past because not everything I wrote was dated. I may also expand on some past thoughts, and that too will be distinguishable from current work.

These are things that reveal some of my faults, insecurities, and past feelings for people who are long gone. Looking back at old journals and reading about how I felt allows me to see my old self from the outside. I might have been ashamed to share things before, in fear of the wrong or right people seeing it and confronting me about it. But sometimes I was so deep in the moment of writing that I didn’t realize how strong of a piece it was.

Powerful writing often comes when we have no intention of sharing it with the world, which is why it takes time for it to surface.

a Barbie girl in a hateful world

I am a Barbie girl, who has indeed lived in a Barbie world for a good portion of my life. Let me tell you about my experiences in this plastic (and sometimes battery powered) world.

Barbie was never just a slim body and pretty face to me. Sure, I wanted her to look cute in her mini-dresses and grab all the boys’ attention. But that wasn’t all I wanted for her. I wanted her to have a lot of money. I wanted her to work in an office building, drive a nice convertible, and have tons of parties that she didn’t have to clean up after. I wanted her to have good relationship with her mother without having to visit her more than once a week. When I got a little older, I even wanted her to have an “experimental night” with my Britney Spears doll who I pretended was just another ordinary gal because my mom could only afford to buy me a limited amount of dolls, so of course I had to get the limited edition Baby One More Time doll. I wanted Barbie to do it all and look good doing it (no pun intended).

Barbie had so many jobs. She was an astronaut, a doctor, a veterinarian, a chef, a teacher, a rock star, a gymnast, a mother, a princess, and so much more. I mean, she may have been all these things because of her white privilege, but still. We had to start somewhere, and I’m also not educated enough to talk about the lack of diversity with dolls and action figures in the 90s-00s. A lot of things were lacking diversity back then so let’s not narrow it down to Barbie dolls at this time.

I never stared at my Barbie doll and wished I was tall, skinny, and blonde. It might have been because for most of my life I was tall and skinny (but not blonde, until recently), but it was mainly because I just didn’t look at her that way. I saw her for her goals, achievements, and independence. Which is why whenever people talk about how Barbie isn’t a good toy for little girls, I get angry.

The girl did it all and had it all- which is what I really wanted. I wanted to have a job, a car, and a big house. I wanted the Ken in my life to be in the background of my life, not the breadwinner I had to get money from so I could go shopping. I wanted to be talented, educated, and rich like Barbie. Why didn’t people focus on that? I’ve come across so many articles and videos where people completely bash Barbie dolls, focusing on of her weight, figure, and skin tone… and all of it was completely understandable. I’m not taking Barbie’s side when it comes to body representation. But in a time where the media seems to only focus on a woman’s body, aren’t we all offenders if we’re ignoring what Barbie’s done for the world and paying more attention to her unrealistic measurements?

Look, I understand I have an unpopular opinion on this. I know there are studies that show Barbie’s body affects how little girls grow up with body image issues and all that. It’s not incorrect and I’m not saying it never happened. Maybe I’m one of a million girls who didn’t cry themselves to sleep because they didn’t have a flat stomach or almost D-cup sized boobs like Barbie, but I know that doesn’t change the fact that other young girls did.

All I’m saying is that Barbie has made mistakes in her life, dating Blaine being in the top five. But maybe she herself had succumbed to the pressure of the media wanting her to have a “perfect” appearance. Maybe she’s struggling with body issues and hasn’t been able to get the right help because every Barbie therapist in town is also skinny and tall. Maybe she’s just going through her own shit and needs help from her friends (us) right now, but all we’re doing is shaming her.

In times like this, we need to be there for her. We look like total hypocrites if we shame her on her body when she landed on the moon before Neil Armstrong did. We need to let her know her bust size doesn’t matter more than her medical career. We need to tell her that it’s okay if she’s short. If she has dark skin. If her waist isn’t small and her thighs touch and chafe a little. She needs to know she’s allowed to have flaws, because she’s only human!

…wait.

becoming

There are many times when I look back on the past few years and feel like I’ve made no progress in certain areas. It’s discouraging to work so hard for so long, fighting through tears and doubts, just to come back to the same point again. But the one thing I have to remind myself of is how much the little wins can add up to. Tiny accomplishments- doing laundry regularly, spending 5 hours watching Netflix instead of 10, reading for just 20 minutes after not picking up a book in months- can sometimes lead to lifestyle changes without me even realizing it. Then there are the wins that aren’t seen unless you look closely at yourself and compare who you were to who you are now.

I look back on the experiences I had whether they’re with work, people, or just myself and see so much growth in the way I felt back then compared to now. The last book I read (entirely), The Problem with Forever by Jennifer Armentrout, brought back so many memories of my anxiety, self consciousness, and fear. Although the main character suffers from all of these because of totally different reasons, it was comforting to know that I wasn’t overreacting in the past and sometimes today.

Finishing my degree and choosing a career is one of the hardest journeys I’m on… but that is just one part of the bigger and tougher journey of discovering and growing into the woman I am today. One reminiscence that occurs whenever I think about my age and where I am in life is about just that- where I thought I’d be in life by the time I was in my twenties. When I was younger, I used dream about the things I’d have and where I’d be working. It changed in specificity, but the outline was always the same: I’d have a car, a job doing something “business-y”, and I’d be on my way to moving into my own apartment (notice how no relationships are involved in that plan… funny now that I think about it). I always was concerned about what I’d have and where I’d be, but never worried about how I’d feel and what I’d like. I guess that’s something a lot of kids go through because we’re told that we have to be successful and success is mainly based on our education, jobs, etc…. but that’s not the point of this post.

I never really had traditional hobbies. Aside from my barbie dolls and Britney Spears CDs, I wasn’t really interested in anything besides computers- growing up in the 90s/00s was the beginning of a new technological era, and I abused the shit out of it. I spent a lot of time on fanfiction websites, playing RPG games, and talking to cousins and strangers in chatrooms (the first set of friends I made and lost where in an AOL chatroom of people I followed on Xanga). While most preteens were watching TV and hanging out with friends from school, I was running home to jump on our shared computer to mine adamantite ore on RuneScape and talk to my cousins on AIM.

A big regret I have is not taking a serious interest in some of the things I liked, even if they sounded lame and boring. Hobbies are something that helped shape me into who I am today. Writing was always something I enjoyed, but only until my late teens/early twenties did I consider it something serious. Even then I found myself debating on whether or not it counted as a hobby because I wasn’t as dedicated to it. I recently realized how much writing has helped me when it comes to stress and making decisions. Writing as much as a paragraph or an idea has calmed my nerves or brought things into perspective for me about so many things.

Reading and writing opened so many doors to other interests; art, makeup, the love of NYC. But my curiosity about all these things would have never grown if I didn’t leave my house and experience the things I thought I wanted. The heartbreaks (from lovers and family) and the disappointment (from people and life itself) taught me so many lessons about life and myself that no one could have taught me about.

Living life the way I saw everyone else around me living it was an eye opener to my actual desires. Being controlled by a man because I was blinded by my need for love and attention was what set it all in motion. It took a long 4 years for me to break free, and when I did it was like the biggest weight was lifted off from me. I felt so free like a bird that I got two of them tattooed- which is a reason I never admitted to until now.

I was verbally abused next- but this is something I am thankful for. Being disrespected, manipulated, and insulted never made me feel more confident. I walked away from that relationship bruised, but those bruises healed and then glowed. I had never felt more alive and confident in my skin before.

There was disappointment, too. The heartbreak that people hardly ever talk about, because they only believe a lover can do such a thing. They also never warn you that this heartbreak is forever and constant- maybe until the day the heartbreaker dies. But that’s also not the point of this post. Being disappointed over and over again by someone so close to me has only strengthened my independence and lowered my need to depend on someone.

Someone told me recently that I pay attention a lot, which is a nice confirmation of something I always knew about myself. I’ve always looked closely at everything; the way someone looks, the way they say things, or the way they act in different situations. I pay attention to some details that others usually overlook. As much as I pay attention to other people, I pay attention to myself as well. I constantly try to analyze why I do the things I do, why I get nervous in situations, or why I get emotional over things that aren’t that serious. A lot of times I regret not being this meticulous about myself earlier on in life because I could have avoided so many failures and fall outs.

Nonetheless, I’m content with who I am and the path I’m on mentally. I’m happy that I’m confident, even if I still get nervous once in a while. I’m happy that I know what I want, even if I’m nowhere near getting it. I’m happy that I can change whatever I’m not happy about, even if I have to figure out if its part of who I am naturally or a bad habit.

I’ve never written a post like this before but I think that shows how hidden this growth is. I tend to let all my sadness out in writing. Whenever I feel like beating myself up, I do so by writing about it. But all the sadness and moping around leads to more growth, more discovery about myself… and obviously more variety in my writing.

your basic guide to being fit

Summer is pretty much here despite the fact that the temperature has been fluctuating between 32 and 82 degrees over the past three weeks here in New York City. It’s nearing the end of May so if you haven’t gotten close to your dream body yet, don’t lose hope! It’s definitely not too late!*

There are so many inspiring sites, apps, and social media pages that promote eating healthy and exercising. From detox teas and protein powders to weight-loss programs and exercise videos, being fit has become the latest growing trend. I don’t think I know anyone who either tries to go to the gym or complains that they need to. Everyone is becoming more aware of their health and body while simultaneously preaching self acceptance and body positivity. The same people posting pictures of women with curves captioning it as “no one likes a snuggle-stick” or making fun of someone with a belly are our future teachers encouraging children to accept themselves and are against bullying. Balance is key, right?

Since there is an abundance of information and tips on how to become fit, I thought I’d put out some helpful tips myself so you can read the same thing everyone else is telling you because you’re in denial about how much work it actually is to be healthy. Here are some important things to remember if you plan on going HAM (do people still say that?) to get that hot bod by August the latest:

On Dieting/Nutrition

1. Drink a lot of water. It’s pretty obvious that water is the most important thing whether you’re working out and trying to be healthy or not. If you’re like me and you forget to drink any fluids at all throughout the day besides coffee, it can be hard to drink the suggested “8 glasses” of water that you’re supposed to. Or you might be one of those weird people who feel that they can’t drink water because it has no taste. Either way, you can try different ways to incorporate water into your day and increase the number of trips to the bathroom drastically:

-one way is to make detox waters, where you put slices of different fruits and mint leaves into the water to give it some flavor. There are different recipes you can follow, and you only need to waste a slice or small amount of fruit to make a bottle of it unless you decide to make an entire jug that no one will want by the end of the day. The detox water obviously won’t taste like juice because there’s no large amount of sugar in it but it’ll give a small hint of taste that will either make you hungrier for actual fruits or cringe from it tasting like crap because mint leaves and orange peel submerged in water for an entire day is bound to taste rotten. But either way it’ll get you to drink water because of the effort you made to cut up fruits or because it tastes so terrible that you’ll want plain water afterwards.

-another way is to buy special water bottles to remind you to drink up to a certain level by a certain time. You’ll definitely be motivated to drink more water after spending $20-30 on one of these plastic water bottles with time written on them. They have times of the day written at different levels that indicate a certain amount of water should be finished by then, and by noon or later you refill it to start over. If you’re on a budget you can do this to your own water bottle, only it won’t be funky colored or have a motivational quote written on the other side that has nothing to do with working out. Your choice!

-if you want some flavor to your water but don’t want to go all out with the detox water, you can simply add a lemon slice or a few drops of lemon juice to your bottled water. I’ve heard that this can help with oily skin as well, or just for healthy skin in general but since I like the feeling and look of my teeth, I haven’t tried drinking it long enough to see any results.

2. Make fruit smoothies. Just like the detox water, fruit smoothies can be a fun and easy way to incorporate fruits into your diet as well. If for whatever reason you find eating a banana or apple alone boring (because eating is supposed to be fun somehow), you can make a smoothie with both instead. Again, there are a lot of recipes to make some tasty smoothies. All you need is water or juice and ice to help it blend smoothly, and a $100-200 blender for some reason. I’ve used the original Magic Bullet which did the trick just fine, but I’m sure buying something like a NutraBullet or Ninja Blender adds some magical touch that helps you lose weight. You could also just eat fruits normally but that’s not exciting. You can blend in spinach or other leafy veggies which will immediately make your smoothie look and taste unappetizing even if you just add a tiny portion. Smoothies are also a great way to get in your protein powder.

3. Protein shakes. I know nothing about protein powders or shakes, so this tip will be short. If you’re trying to put on some healthy weight and build more muscle then protein powder is the way to do this. If you’re not into this idea, you can just eat 8 pieces of chicken breast instead.

4. Healthy foods. Fruits and veggies are important to being healthier overall, but you also want to get more protein in. Chicken breast and salmon are your best friends. Your best bet is to hit up Costco or BJs and buy them in bulk along with giant jars of peanut or almond butter and jumbo tin cans of tuna. Avocados on everything. Plain oatmeal is your new bland breakfast of choice and, fuck it, buy a chicken and raise it in your backyard because you can never have enough eggs. What is bread or rice? You shouldn’t even know anymore. Quinoa will impress your friends because they can’t even pronounce it and turkey burgers will help you from crying after you realize how terrible dieting is.

Exercising

1. Cardio. A lot of people will tell you that you don’t need a lot of cardio to lose weight. They’ll try to justify this by showing a picture of a slim woman with no boobs or ass next to a slim woman with a round butt and decent chest. The truth is that if you’re destined to have a badonkadonk booty, you’ll get one if you work it out. Some of us just naturally don’t get big butts but working out that area still gives us a toned, decent one. In no way, however, will you ever go from an A-cup to double Ds by working out. It just won’t happen so don’t listen to anyone who says your boobs can get bigger by doing anything besides getting pregnant, getting implants, or hitting that part of puberty late in your twenties. If it were possible any other way then I’d have some huge knockers by now. Cardio is essential if you want to lose a lot of weight.

2. Weight lifting. Strength training or whatever they like to call it does help you lose weight, just not tons of it in a short amount of time like cardio might. You’ll “turn fat into muscle” but don’t assume that means if you’re overweight that you can lift some weights and turn all that flab into fab. To assist in weight lifting you can buy tank tops to show off your arms and hashtag “do you even lift” under any and all Instagram pictures that don’t even have to do with working out. The overall goal of strength training is to lift as much as possible even though at no point in your life will you participate in any activity that involves lifting things that heavy. You want to aim for being the strongest person in the room- that room being the gym because you more than likely won’t be in any other room with anyone else that’s near your level of strength. Being able to lift 300lbs will benefit you when you want to try to lift 320lbs, because no other event in your life will require you to lift anything of that weight unless you’re a fire fighter or WWE wrestler. You want to be able to squat as much as possible as well because everyone likes butts.

3. Yoga/Pilates. If you want to be able to do a split on a dick Yoga and Pilates can help with flexibility, control, balance, and to strengthen your core. Yoga is more aimed at meditation while Pilates focuses on mind and body without the spiritual stuff. In my opinion you should incorporate some basic moves from Pilates into your workout just to help stretch.

4. Other outdoor activities/sports. You’ll most likely find that other activities besides going to the gym are frowned upon. Any sport or physical activity besides working out with weight machines or dumbbells will not help you in any way. Why are you trying to use your strength and health for anything besides trying to lift more plates of iron? Ignorant people will look for something outside of the gym once a week to participate in. Even if you want to work out at home you’re fooling yourself. Stay inside at the gym where you can show off your gainz and be among people with the same mentality. This isn’t fun and games.

You need a good balance of dieting and exercise if you really want to see results. Try to work out three times a week and in about one year your friends and family will see results without you mentioning that you’ve been going to the gym. Limit your cheat meals to one a week or one day a week so you don’t shoot yourself and have something to live for.

*Okay, okay. You should know better than to expect a positive, motivating post from me. I think 93% of what I wrote is false or not quite right, but it just goes to show what I learned from all these Instagram pages and random “fitness” people. It doesn’t just take hard work to go to the gym or even exercise on a daily basis- it takes money, a lot of time, and a ton of research to find a good plan that works for you. Not only is finding a workout routine difficult, but planning meals and buying healthy foods isn’t easy OR cheap. Chances are you won’t get that totally fit body that you dreamed of in time for this summer unless you do some serious boot camp training, but everyone is different and it shouldn’t discourage you from trying.

It feels like every week I make an attempt to wake up early and eat healthy only to crash by dinner time on Monday or on Tuesday when I wake up around 3pm for a combo of breakfast of lunch all in one. The hardest part for me is eating healthy because not only do fruits and veggies cost a lot but it takes time to make meals everyday when you have other things to do (like watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning). My family doesn’t necessarily believe in having a balanced meal when curry and oil is the main ingredient in most of the foods they cook. Having veggies or salad with or as a meal doesn’t happen too often.

Either way, I still make attempts to eat healthy even if I get to exercise or not. The type of foods you eat have a huge impact on how you feel every day, especially as you get older (even though I’m old at all, I swear!). I notice when I eat junk or fast food before bed or in large amounts, I feel really lazy and sluggish for the rest of the day into the next morning. Combine that with being home watching Netflix for most of the week and it makes me feel worse.

The sites that I linked above for recipes are some that I like to use; Blogilates is a fun site for Pilates and other at home exercises. Cassey has recipes for smoothies and healthy drinks and other meals too, but I find that some of the ingredients are things you might have to go out of your way or deep in your pocket for. Allrecipes is my favorite site for any and all recipes because it has real people posting their recipes and other people rating them or even making adjustments. It helps you adjust serving sizes so you know how much of everything you need to make for 10 people or 2, and even has a grocery shopping checklist. I have both of their apps, one for recipes and one for videos on how to make them. (I’m not sponsored at all by either sites or else I’d have a much more helpful blog post on health.)

You need time, money, and a lot of will power and determination if you want to see real results from working out and eating healthy. There’s no easy way to do it, you just have to accept it and force yourself to do it like you do with school and work. Just think about all the crappy food you can get back to eating once you have the dream body you want.

senses

When I look at you I memorize all the features of your face and body. The shape of your eyes, nose, and lips. The way the hair on your head sticks up in one direction when you sleep on that side. I can come home and close my eyes and see the whole outline of your head, arms, and chest. I can remember how scruffy you get and how fat your cheeks are.

I can wear your shirt and your scent is with me no matter how much it gets washed. When I’m close up next to you, my face against your neck, I breathe you in and try to take you with me when I leave. It’s not cologne or anything you put on, it’s just you.

Hearing your voice is something I look forward to everyday, even if you’re tired or angry. I could mock everything you say because I love how you say it. I can hear you laugh at something and feel happiness. I hear you moan and feel pleasure. I could hear you talk about something and fall deeper and deeper in love.

I could taste you and never get enough. The sweetness from your lips satisfies my cravings. The saltiness of your skin keeps me wanting more and more. Every bite of you fills me up until I am hungry for you again.

I can remember how every part of you feels, from when you hold my hand to when you hold my waist. The way your beard is the perfect hardness when it needs to be and the perfect softness when it needs to be. I could run my fingers through your hair all day, scratch my nails on your head gently and put you to sleep forever. Feeling your body against mine is the perfect bliss.

When I’m with you, all my senses are heightened.