dealing with the flaky friend

I am a homebody.

My boyfriend may disagree and my Instagram may fool a few people, but I truly do love being home. After I’m home for a couple days, I do get serious FOMO. But for the most part, I would rather stay in than go to certain events or deal with a lot of people. There are just too many factors that play into why I don’t want to leave the house, even if you’re literally picking me up like a queen and paying for everything.

Which is one reason why I’ve been a flaky friend to people. I’ve canceled, made excuses, lied, and been relieved when people had to reschedule. I’ve missed appointments and had friends plain out tell me I’m unreliable (even though there was nothing to rely on me for in the first place) just for telling them I couldn’t make it or didn’t want to leave the house at the last minute. I even canceled on my first date with my current boyfriend when we first started talking, although it might have been a good thing because it made him want me more.

For the most part, it didn’t mean I wanted to end our friendship. It rarely meant that I didn’t like hanging out with them. I just preferred being alone. It was nicer to text someone rather than meet up. And when I was younger, it was easier to cancel on people than have to explain to my parents every little detail of where I was going, with whom, for how long, and what we were going to be doing. Each time I canceled on a friend, I felt bad. I worried about whether or not they’d start to talk shit about me, if they thought I didn’t like them, or if they’d even bother inviting me out anymore. When I’d think about asking them to hang out another time, I thought they’d say no simply because I canceled on them before. I always had to prepare myself for the shit they’d give me when I finally did see them.

Eventually, I learned to avoid making plans with certain people at certain times. If I knew I had work, I’d turn down an offer to hang out even if it was on a Saturday night because I knew I didn’t want to be tired all day on Sunday. Some of the people that were trying to make plans were just terrible at hanging out. It’s hard to be bad at just hanging out with people, but some of my friends know how to turn a 3-hour event into a 9-hour one, and not in a good way. Sometimes I just didn’t want to spend money or have someone cover me. Sometimes I didn’t want to go out because it was raining, or cold, or because I had to take the train, so I made excuses or lied about working to make plans. “I’ll let you know” was my favorite saying. It’s growth though, right?

My closest friend stopped inviting me places because she knew I wouldn’t want to go for a couple reasons which I told her about bluntly. But there are other ways to deal with a flaky friend beside cutting them off entirely and shunning them from your group.

Asking them straight out what the problem is can be risky, but if you’re close and can share things with each other, then they might openly tell you that they hate when you bring your boyfriend along or that your Uncle Tom that lives with you always tries to peek up their skirt when you’re walking up the stairs. If not, you could start a fight by trying to pry into their lives and assume that they don’t want to hang out when they plain out don’t have the time or just fucking hate you.

Determine what kind of friendship you have with them. It’s 2018 and majority of people have at least one friend that they met online or through some social media. Sometimes these friendships only last because you share memes on Twitter. Hanging out might create awkwardness for them and you can’t see it. I’m definitely someone who prefers texting for hours over meeting up and partying. We create bonds with people at school mainly because we see them every other day. Our coworkers are only friends at work. If you find yourself having night long conversations with someone but they always turn you down when you want to meet up for drinks, it’s probably better to keep them at that distance and only invite them out for major occasions.

Stop treating them like your conjoined twin. Ever notice that your one friend will talk nonstop when it’s just the two of you, but doesn’t make a peep when you invite your other 9 friends that they barely know? They might be an introvert or just hate your friends (or both). If I’m with two of my close cousins, I can laugh and talk and fool you into thinking I’m the most outgoing and sociable person in the world. But once my cousin starts inviting her 40 friends to dinner, I’m ready to throw myself off the roof just so I have a legit excuse to not come. Not all your friends will get along with your other friends. The only occasions where you should be mixing your different groups together are birthdays, your wedding, and your funeral. You don’t need to drag your one friend along with you to every outing and event, even if they’re your closest pal.

Cater to their needs once in a while. Your friend might not share the obsession with sushi that you have, but you always choose a Japanese restaurant to have lunch at. They might live behind God’s back but you always choose a movie theater that’s five minutes away from your house. They might be that one friend that doesn’t have enough money, doesn’t live nearby, and doesn’t have the same schedule as your entire group of friends and you don’t even notice because you’re oblivious to peoples’ needs. Creating a balanced schedule where you find a pizza place, take the train out to see them, and offer to pay for a lunch once in a while can salvage whatever you guys have left

It’s not that hard to figure out if someone is being flaky because they actually don’t like you or because that’s just how they are. If there’s a specific reason why they don’t want to hang out, then it can strengthen your friendship if you figure it out. I would have loved if I had the chance to tell certain friends that I didn’t like seeing them 9 times a week or going to the club every time we hung out. But I also knew that some of my friends wouldn’t understand if I didn’t need to see them to maintain a friendship.

Being a flaky friend sometimes means you’re still learning to say “no” to people without letting them make you feel bad. In a perfect world, you’d be able to tell people you just don’t feel like seeing them without them thinking you hate their guts. In reality, people have trust issues. Friendships are tricky. They’re not as perfect as some television shows make them out to be where a girl can forgive her bestie for sleeping with her boyfriend.

I usually hate articles that give advice on basic shit that people already know but have to experience themselves to really benefit from, but this is something I think a lot of people don’t understand and are quick to jump to conclusions about. It’s not easy being on the shunned end of a friendship. I learned over time that many people don’t value friendships as much as they claim to because they have too many expectations for them. The truth is that everyone makes mistakes and unless their intentions are harmful, you should be treating a friendship the same way you treat any other relationship- by communicating, growing, and understanding.

If you can work things out with a boyfriend/girlfriend and give them several chances to be with you, then you can do the same with your friends.


the perfect candidate

I always found it funny how a lot of people have a list of requirements for what they seek in a significant other. Some people have it all figured out and swear that whoever they date or marry has to have these qualities or they’d never be with them. They say the person must be loyal, funny, love animals; some even get as picky and specific as wanting -more like needing– someone who is six feet tall or has a big butt, someone who has a beard or someone who is shorter than them by a foot. Those who stick to this list and allow no exceptions are hardly seen as picky, or if they are, it’s not a bad thing. They’re “saving themselves” or seen as knowing their worth. They don’t settle until they find who they want – the perfect candidate.

The reason I find this funny is because that “perfect” candidate hardly ever exists. So many people have this strict criteria for a significant other that they pass by people that could be a great match for them. The truth is that you do have to settle at some point. You learn to compromise and prioritize. It’s just a matter of learning what you can deal with and what you put first. We compromise in relationships with arguments or disagreements but we also have to compromise with who the person is, knowing that we aren’t perfect either. It’s a shame when you find someone who can be your perfect soulmate but they lie, cheat, or mess with your head. It’s why so many of us get made fun of or taken advantage of: we are willing to deal with those things because we know there will be no one who compares to or surpasses the qualities of that person. And for those who don’t deal with it, who can’t handle the heartbreak, pressure, and doubt, they still settle. For someone who might not be as funny, or tall, or cute but won’t break their hearts as much as the last one. We choose who we want to deal with, who we want to break out hearts, because over time we know we have to either settle in some way or spend the rest of our lives searching for that perfect candidate.



What a lovely coincidence that I decided to publish this old piece on my four-year anniversary with I originally had planned to publish it instead of my last post, but I didn’t finish and wasn’t too sure where I was heading with it. Luckily you can write things for the simple reason of “just because.”

As I sit here staring at this page, I reflect back on the things I have written over the course of my life. I look back on when I first began writing; who inspired me, what I used to write, and how I felt about writing, both in the moment and as a whole. I think about how I confident I was about my own writing- ashamed to share my work with people I actually knew and saw on a daily or weekly basis but proud to publicly post stories on websites for thousands of strangers to view. I have come to accept that I started writing with the enthusiasm and interest of a child. It wasn’t something that I picked up on my own that grew into a great hobby. I was looking for the approval of someone I then saw as a role model and only wrote with the intent of creating something better than anything anyone else had ever written. I guess that’s how most writer’s feel to some extent. Who doesn’t want to write something that reaches out to thousands or millions of people? I will probably always have at least a little bit of that feeling behind everything I write. But even though the idea of writing was only sparked after I tried to keep up with someone who I admired, it did grow into something I now have a great interest for. I had my moments where I wouldn’t write anything for weeks or months at a time because I was distracted by other things or just simply wasn’t in the mood for it. But over time writing and reading have made their way back into my life and the desire to read everything that catches my eye or write about anything that comes to mind takes over a good portion of my life.

I’ve written tons of blogs about how much nostalgia I feel when I look back at the things I wrote in high school or early college, but they were just that- nostalgic posts where I longed to have the wit and cleverness that I had back in the day. I never truly looked back on how my writing improved and later began to transform into a different style that I wasn’t ready to accept. As many things begin to change, I am opening up to the idea of letting writing take over more of my life than it has ever before. I want to devote more time and energy into writing in order to advance how I write and see where it can take me.

Anyone will tell you that writing is not an easy path to go down. For me I feel like it’s especially hard when I tend to second guess everything and it feels like I’m shut down for having high hopes and dreams. I grew up in a home where no one was encouraged to reach for the stars. My shyness and introversion was taken advantage of when I was younger and as time goes by I look back at how much my view of a successful life was shaped by my mother and other people around me. It makes you really wonder how we’re supposed to pick a path for college when we’re so young and have no idea what’s really out there besides what our parents and people at home tell us. Only after experiencing some of the things I thought I wanted in life did I really see that I didn’t actually want those things. Certain experiences have caused me turn back to the things I always liked and never really gave enough attention to, like writing and reading.

I noticed that I have a negative view of other people who seem to be exploring writing themselves. I especially looked down on those in of the same culture and background who started to share their writing with people they know. I thought, “well that sucked,” “they need to write more,” or “this was stupid” after reading something that wasn’t up to the standards of published authors. I judged the way they wrote and the topics they wrote about without thinking of my own writing. It never occurred to me that they might have been starting out like I was, or were only exploring hobbies and different ways to express themselves.

Although I have started to accept that not everyone’s writing is the same and tried to shut down some negative thoughts about people who have begun to express themselves through words, it still doesn’t mean I agree or like what they write. Finding my own style doesn’t mean I should love what other people write, just like it doesn’t mean I should hate what they write.

The journey of writing will always reflect my life. Any writer will tell you that heartbreak and tragedy will bring out your best work. But the more I experience things for myself, the more I see that writing is contingent with our emotions, and some of us are good at being sad while others are better at being happy.

Fuck “Sexy”

This, this, and um… oh yeah, THIS.

The Belle Jar

Sometimes I feel like I want to ban the word sexy. Like, take that shit out of the dictionary and impose a fine whenever someone uses it.

Which is pretty funny because I’m super sex-positive and I definitely want people to feel good about their bodies and secure in their sexuality, however it manifests itself.

But man am I ever fucking tired of how we use that word to shame girls and sell them on a bunch of gross patriarchal ideas about how they should be.

Take this picture, which was tweeted/posted by Floyd Mayweather and has been making the rounds over the past few days:


Like, first of all, this is a dude who has been charged with two counts of domestic violence. Why would anybody think that what he has to say about women is even a little bit valid? I am not really down with anyone…

View original post 1,033 more words

your basic guide to being fit

Summer is pretty much here despite the fact that the temperature has been fluctuating between 32 and 82 degrees over the past three weeks here in New York City. It’s nearing the end of May so if you haven’t gotten close to your dream body yet, don’t lose hope! It’s definitely not too late!*

There are so many inspiring sites, apps, and social media pages that promote eating healthy and exercising. From detox teas and protein powders to weight-loss programs and exercise videos, being fit has become the latest growing trend. I don’t think I know anyone who either tries to go to the gym or complains that they need to. Everyone is becoming more aware of their health and body while simultaneously preaching self acceptance and body positivity. The same people posting pictures of women with curves captioning it as “no one likes a snuggle-stick” or making fun of someone with a belly are our future teachers encouraging children to accept themselves and are against bullying. Balance is key, right?

Since there is an abundance of information and tips on how to become fit, I thought I’d put out some helpful tips myself so you can read the same thing everyone else is telling you because you’re in denial about how much work it actually is to be healthy. Here are some important things to remember if you plan on going HAM (do people still say that?) to get that hot bod by August the latest:

On Dieting/Nutrition

1. Drink a lot of water. It’s pretty obvious that water is the most important thing whether you’re working out and trying to be healthy or not. If you’re like me and you forget to drink any fluids at all throughout the day besides coffee, it can be hard to drink the suggested “8 glasses” of water that you’re supposed to. Or you might be one of those weird people who feel that they can’t drink water because it has no taste. Either way, you can try different ways to incorporate water into your day and increase the number of trips to the bathroom drastically:

-one way is to make detox waters, where you put slices of different fruits and mint leaves into the water to give it some flavor. There are different recipes you can follow, and you only need to waste a slice or small amount of fruit to make a bottle of it unless you decide to make an entire jug that no one will want by the end of the day. The detox water obviously won’t taste like juice because there’s no large amount of sugar in it but it’ll give a small hint of taste that will either make you hungrier for actual fruits or cringe from it tasting like crap because mint leaves and orange peel submerged in water for an entire day is bound to taste rotten. But either way it’ll get you to drink water because of the effort you made to cut up fruits or because it tastes so terrible that you’ll want plain water afterwards.

-another way is to buy special water bottles to remind you to drink up to a certain level by a certain time. You’ll definitely be motivated to drink more water after spending $20-30 on one of these plastic water bottles with time written on them. They have times of the day written at different levels that indicate a certain amount of water should be finished by then, and by noon or later you refill it to start over. If you’re on a budget you can do this to your own water bottle, only it won’t be funky colored or have a motivational quote written on the other side that has nothing to do with working out. Your choice!

-if you want some flavor to your water but don’t want to go all out with the detox water, you can simply add a lemon slice or a few drops of lemon juice to your bottled water. I’ve heard that this can help with oily skin as well, or just for healthy skin in general but since I like the feeling and look of my teeth, I haven’t tried drinking it long enough to see any results.

2. Make fruit smoothies. Just like the detox water, fruit smoothies can be a fun and easy way to incorporate fruits into your diet as well. If for whatever reason you find eating a banana or apple alone boring (because eating is supposed to be fun somehow), you can make a smoothie with both instead. Again, there are a lot of recipes to make some tasty smoothies. All you need is water or juice and ice to help it blend smoothly, and a $100-200 blender for some reason. I’ve used the original Magic Bullet which did the trick just fine, but I’m sure buying something like a NutraBullet or Ninja Blender adds some magical touch that helps you lose weight. You could also just eat fruits normally but that’s not exciting. You can blend in spinach or other leafy veggies which will immediately make your smoothie look and taste unappetizing even if you just add a tiny portion. Smoothies are also a great way to get in your protein powder.

3. Protein shakes. I know nothing about protein powders or shakes, so this tip will be short. If you’re trying to put on some healthy weight and build more muscle then protein powder is the way to do this. If you’re not into this idea, you can just eat 8 pieces of chicken breast instead.

4. Healthy foods. Fruits and veggies are important to being healthier overall, but you also want to get more protein in. Chicken breast and salmon are your best friends. Your best bet is to hit up Costco or BJs and buy them in bulk along with giant jars of peanut or almond butter and jumbo tin cans of tuna. Avocados on everything. Plain oatmeal is your new bland breakfast of choice and, fuck it, buy a chicken and raise it in your backyard because you can never have enough eggs. What is bread or rice? You shouldn’t even know anymore. Quinoa will impress your friends because they can’t even pronounce it and turkey burgers will help you from crying after you realize how terrible dieting is.


1. Cardio. A lot of people will tell you that you don’t need a lot of cardio to lose weight. They’ll try to justify this by showing a picture of a slim woman with no boobs or ass next to a slim woman with a round butt and decent chest. The truth is that if you’re destined to have a badonkadonk booty, you’ll get one if you work it out. Some of us just naturally don’t get big butts but working out that area still gives us a toned, decent one. In no way, however, will you ever go from an A-cup to double Ds by working out. It just won’t happen so don’t listen to anyone who says your boobs can get bigger by doing anything besides getting pregnant, getting implants, or hitting that part of puberty late in your twenties. If it were possible any other way then I’d have some huge knockers by now. Cardio is essential if you want to lose a lot of weight.

2. Weight lifting. Strength training or whatever they like to call it does help you lose weight, just not tons of it in a short amount of time like cardio might. You’ll “turn fat into muscle” but don’t assume that means if you’re overweight that you can lift some weights and turn all that flab into fab. To assist in weight lifting you can buy tank tops to show off your arms and hashtag “do you even lift” under any and all Instagram pictures that don’t even have to do with working out. The overall goal of strength training is to lift as much as possible even though at no point in your life will you participate in any activity that involves lifting things that heavy. You want to aim for being the strongest person in the room- that room being the gym because you more than likely won’t be in any other room with anyone else that’s near your level of strength. Being able to lift 300lbs will benefit you when you want to try to lift 320lbs, because no other event in your life will require you to lift anything of that weight unless you’re a fire fighter or WWE wrestler. You want to be able to squat as much as possible as well because everyone likes butts.

3. Yoga/Pilates. If you want to be able to do a split on a dick Yoga and Pilates can help with flexibility, control, balance, and to strengthen your core. Yoga is more aimed at meditation while Pilates focuses on mind and body without the spiritual stuff. In my opinion you should incorporate some basic moves from Pilates into your workout just to help stretch.

4. Other outdoor activities/sports. You’ll most likely find that other activities besides going to the gym are frowned upon. Any sport or physical activity besides working out with weight machines or dumbbells will not help you in any way. Why are you trying to use your strength and health for anything besides trying to lift more plates of iron? Ignorant people will look for something outside of the gym once a week to participate in. Even if you want to work out at home you’re fooling yourself. Stay inside at the gym where you can show off your gainz and be among people with the same mentality. This isn’t fun and games.

You need a good balance of dieting and exercise if you really want to see results. Try to work out three times a week and in about one year your friends and family will see results without you mentioning that you’ve been going to the gym. Limit your cheat meals to one a week or one day a week so you don’t shoot yourself and have something to live for.

*Okay, okay. You should know better than to expect a positive, motivating post from me. I think 93% of what I wrote is false or not quite right, but it just goes to show what I learned from all these Instagram pages and random “fitness” people. It doesn’t just take hard work to go to the gym or even exercise on a daily basis- it takes money, a lot of time, and a ton of research to find a good plan that works for you. Not only is finding a workout routine difficult, but planning meals and buying healthy foods isn’t easy OR cheap. Chances are you won’t get that totally fit body that you dreamed of in time for this summer unless you do some serious boot camp training, but everyone is different and it shouldn’t discourage you from trying.

It feels like every week I make an attempt to wake up early and eat healthy only to crash by dinner time on Monday or on Tuesday when I wake up around 3pm for a combo of breakfast of lunch all in one. The hardest part for me is eating healthy because not only do fruits and veggies cost a lot but it takes time to make meals everyday when you have other things to do (like watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning). My family doesn’t necessarily believe in having a balanced meal when curry and oil is the main ingredient in most of the foods they cook. Having veggies or salad with or as a meal doesn’t happen too often.

Either way, I still make attempts to eat healthy even if I get to exercise or not. The type of foods you eat have a huge impact on how you feel every day, especially as you get older (even though I’m old at all, I swear!). I notice when I eat junk or fast food before bed or in large amounts, I feel really lazy and sluggish for the rest of the day into the next morning. Combine that with being home watching Netflix for most of the week and it makes me feel worse.

The sites that I linked above for recipes are some that I like to use; Blogilates is a fun site for Pilates and other at home exercises. Cassey has recipes for smoothies and healthy drinks and other meals too, but I find that some of the ingredients are things you might have to go out of your way or deep in your pocket for. Allrecipes is my favorite site for any and all recipes because it has real people posting their recipes and other people rating them or even making adjustments. It helps you adjust serving sizes so you know how much of everything you need to make for 10 people or 2, and even has a grocery shopping checklist. I have both of their apps, one for recipes and one for videos on how to make them. (I’m not sponsored at all by either sites or else I’d have a much more helpful blog post on health.)

You need time, money, and a lot of will power and determination if you want to see real results from working out and eating healthy. There’s no easy way to do it, you just have to accept it and force yourself to do it like you do with school and work. Just think about all the crappy food you can get back to eating once you have the dream body you want.


When I look at you I memorize all the features of your face and body. The shape of your eyes, nose, and lips. The way the hair on your head sticks up in one direction when you sleep on that side. I can come home and close my eyes and see the whole outline of your head, arms, and chest. I can remember how scruffy you get and how fat your cheeks are.

I can wear your shirt and your scent is with me no matter how much it gets washed. When I’m close up next to you, my face against your neck, I breathe you in and try to take you with me when I leave. It’s not cologne or anything you put on, it’s just you.

Hearing your voice is something I look forward to everyday, even if you’re tired or angry. I could mock everything you say because I love how you say it. I can hear you laugh at something and feel happiness. I hear you moan and feel pleasure. I could hear you talk about something and fall deeper and deeper in love.

I could taste you and never get enough. The sweetness from your lips satisfies my cravings. The saltiness of your skin keeps me wanting more and more. Every bite of you fills me up until I am hungry for you again.

I can remember how every part of you feels, from when you hold my hand to when you hold my waist. The way your beard is the perfect hardness when it needs to be and the perfect softness when it needs to be. I could run my fingers through your hair all day, scratch my nails on your head gently and put you to sleep forever. Feeling your body against mine is the perfect bliss.

When I’m with you, all my senses are heightened.

to whom it may concern

I am not passionate about anything in my life more than I am passionate about you. I cannot ever be fully distracted by anything more than I am distracted by the thought of you. You are my goal, no matter how much I have accomplished for you, no matter how much of you I have won over, I will always be striving for more. All everyone wants in life is happiness, and you are the definition of it.

You are a king, but I won’t be your queen. I will be your servant, bringing you all things to keep you content. I will be your army, fighting your battles and protecting you. I will be your maid, cleaning up after all your messes in life and making sure everything is in order. I will bow down and respect you.

Give me all your sorrows. Give me all your fears. Pack all your negativity into me and I will take it away. I will travel across the world to take it all away from you if it means your mind will be at ease. Do not worry about my happiness. Do not worry if you see me cry. Do not worry about me at all. If to make you happy means I have to destroy myself, then I will endure all the pain that anyone has ever suffered.

When I say I cannot be selfless, I am lying. When you see me taking care of myself, putting myself before others, or only worried about me, it is all a facade. When I cut off all communication with you, when I walk away from our situation, when I say “I deserve better”, just know it is truly killing me inside.

To you this is a love letter, to me it is a confession of my biggest flaw.